Recently, I started using my journal to try to document my feelings. I start by documenting, the events that trigger my feelings, then writing about my emotional response to the trigger. Next, I try to figure out if this is my typical response and if so why do I react his way. Or if not what was different about this experience that caused a different reaction. Most foundational psychology classes start with a model of thinking that says your feelings are due to your thoughts, which are typically elicited by some environmental trigger. Your feelings lead to your behavior which in turn leads to a natural or logical consequence from the environment as people react to your behavior.
One pattern that I document quite frequently, has to do with someone touching, moving or using my property. So the environmental trigger is “Someone touched my stuff!” Raised as an only child due to the age difference between my siblings and I, my belief is: I see all my property as an extension of self and now you have crossed a boundary. My feelings are: angry, irritated and anxious about my things especially if I have already established my rule of “Don’t touch my things.” My behavior during the first episode is usually to try to have a rational conversation and establish my boundaries. It usually sounds like “So I don’t think you know, but I hate it when people touch, use or move my things. Please don’t touch my things.” In my mind my please really means “Please don’t make me cut you for touching my things!”
The second time you touch my things, then you have damaged our relationship and there is a loss of trust. This worked all through college, and grad school but stopped working as soon as I got married, thanks to my bonus kids. However, I hear from bio-parents that kids in general do not respect this rule. The second time with the step-kids I tried the talk again. The third time we had a “come to Jesus” talk where I told them they were withdrawing from my trust tank and my emotional bucket. (Yay for developmentally appropriate analogies!) The fourth time was when I determined there was simply no respect for my needs or desires. The fifth time, I put a lock on my door. With each additional infraction my emotional response was greater until I finally had to rid of the trigger. Now, in the common areas I only leave things that I don’t see as an extension of myself. My journal helped me to see how my emotional responses increased with each incident.
Examining these patterns have helped me from going insane. Especially when considering the popular definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This has also helped me to determine why I see my things as an extension of self. It took documenting this pattern of: events, my reactions, consequences for about a year before I was able to identify what my belief was about my things. I think that I was in denial that as a 30 something woman, I was still upset when people touched my “toys”.
After finding these patterns I shared them with some of my friends. All of my friends that grew up as only kids, spoke about having a similar feeling about their possessions. My friends that were used to sharing or perhaps grew up with the idea of belongings being communal did not share these beliefs. I tried to spend more time listening to people with differing beliefs. I was hoping that in hearing their beliefs I could take some and internalize them. Some of the beliefs included thoughts like: they are just things, you can buy more things, if they are enjoying them then I am happy, what’s yours is mine.” I was hoping from this inventory of beliefs I could find one that I could try to adopt so that I can try to adapt my emotional response. So far all these thoughts still sound crazy. If you are able to share your things without asking and are willing to share a different fundamental belief about your objects please drop a comment below. I”m willing to adapt as soon as I find a belief that I can start to agree with.
If you are interested in journaling this way, here’s a format that you can try.
1)Recall the Event and important details
2) Note what Feelings you had
3) Then go back and try to identify what Beliefs might be supporting these feelings
4) What was your reaction? (Behavior)
5) How did other people react? What was the Consequence of your reaction? Did you like it? Should you change it?
If you want a graphic to help with this process you can download a worksheet to help you work through this process for $3. If you are interested in purchasing the worksheet click the link below.
Views From the Woods 