Month: July 2019

Still having trouble putting words to paper? Is the thought of writing about what you are thinking too overwhelming. Or are you afraid that revisiting the situation would be too overwhelming?

In her book, Rising Strong, Brene Brown talks about using writing to “reckon with your emotions.” She described emotional reckoning as a way to be curious about your emotions. It is the antidote to numbing your emotions. The most nerve-racking part of journaling is having to identify your emotions, and feel the emotions again. Or it is the fear that your emotions would be overwhelming and debilitating. But perhaps the fear is because we have numbed our  emotions so long that we are no longer able to be curious about our emotions. Or because many of have not been taught how to be curious about our emotions.

My mom rarely talked about her emotions, but as a sensitive soul I threw my emotions at her often. She never tried to deny me my emotions but she did not model what it meant to be curious about my emotions. She would ask me about the facts. Who did what? Who said what? And then we would wrap up the conversations with “Well they don’t matter anyway!” But for me they mattered, my ego was bruised and my feelings were not yet explored. These quick visits with feelings and situations is why I chose my career path. Not all parents are equipped to teach kids that they have emotions and that their emotions are to be explored and examined. It’s the examination of the emotions that allows you to understand: why you feel that way, to question  if the feeling is justified, or to question if your emotions are based on assumptions or misperceptions about the situation. Without this examination of emotions we ma proceed erroneously..

Brown (2015)recommends one vehicle that can  help us build our curiosity about our emotions is the Sh&tty First Draft (SFD).  Writing through emotions is a tool that is frequently used in therapy for decades. Writing helps us to develop a language for our feelings, and  to examine cause and effect relationships in the midst of what can feel like an emotional hurricane. It helps us to navigate the irrational until it is just rational enough to begin to understand.

Brown (2015) suggests that we can become curious about our emotions by first stating “I’m having an emotional reaction to what happened and I want to understand” (p.103). It’s an interesting idea that feelings are designed to be understood.The first step is to write about the situation, every detail you can remember, every feeling, judgement and assumption. From there, she suggested we explore the situation by asking: what do I need to learn or understand about the situation, the other people in the situation or about myself?(p.138).

Maybe, even this idea seems to foreign. What if you were to start by channeling your favorite emotionally charged movie or television scene? It appears even if we have trouble navigating our own emotions we have no problem examining the feelings of others.

I’ll model one below if your are interested. I love The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But I haven’t been able to watch it since Kyle Richards went to Lisa Vanderpump’s house to accusing her of planting a story in a tabloid about Dorit. If you don’t follow the show you don’t know that months later it would come out that the story was planted by someone else. Also at the time of this argument Lisa was grieving her the death of her brother. But for now we are going to relieve the scene as Lisa Vanderpump. Below is Lisa’s SFD.

Today my one of my friends from 10 years or more came and accused me on camera of planting a story about the wife of another close friend. I’m having an emotional reaction to this and I want to understand why. The story I am telling myself is

• How dare that heifer come to my house to make blashphemous accusations.
• And she came with the cameras not like a friend that would text but she wanted to make drama for this tv show!!!
• I am hurt I thought we were better friends.
• I am angry I thought she would at least call, and she violated me by bringing the drama to my house.
• Ken yelled at her too.
• I am scared that Ken will be made the villain for yelling at her and kicking her out of the house.
• Why would I plant a story about Dorit I can barely get out of bed my brother just died?!?
• No one seems to care that my brother just died!!!
• I am disappointed I thought the girls would want to support me during this time.
• This fake world we created only cares about drama, tabloids and ratings!
• Now my reputation is online, I don’t need this show or Kyle.
• I can not understand how she would let a show come between us.
• I’m disappointed that she did not defend me with the others!
• I’m frustrated that for years Kyle has been questioning my loyalty and my values
• Who does she think she is?
• There are plenty of stories about her that I could have planted but I didn’t and I won’t!
• I am done selling my soul for these ladies they don’t deserve me!!!
• I wish I had not yelled at her, as crazy as she sounded now I look equally as crazy even if my feelings were justified.

Often the SFD is the first conversation you would have with a trusted friend about the experience. It includes the insults you want to hurl at those who have hurt you, the assumptions the judgements. It includes everything without fear of judgement or having it be repeated to someone else. It’s where you begin to explore why the situation triggered different things, the ways it bruised your pride or ego, the things you would do differently.

Why don’t you try writing a SFD? If you have one about your favorite reality tv show and you want to share please do! I love to read about how others would process the emotional mess that is reality tv.