So now that you have time to write your first draft we can go back through and try to decipher the message within the message. Let’s use our Crappy First Draft from the last post. The situation is one friend, Kyle, accusing Lisa of planting a story in a tabloid. Below is Lisa’s Crappy First Draft of the situation.
Today my one of my friends from 10 years or more came and accused me on camera of planting a story about the wife of another close friend. I’m having an emotional reaction to this and I want to understand why. The story I am telling myself is
- How dare that heifer come to my house to make blashphemous accusations.
- And she came with the cameras not like a friend that would text but she wanted to make drama for this tv show!!!
- I am hurt I thought we were better friends.
- I am angry I thought she would at least call, and she violated me by bringing the drama to my house.
- Ken yelled at her too.
- I am scared that Ken will be made the villain for yelling at her and kicking her out of the house.
- Why would I plant a story about Dorit I can barely get out of bed my brother just died?!?
- No one seems to care that my brother just died!!!
- I am disappointed I thought the girls would want to support me during this time.
- This fake world we created only cares about drama, tabloids and ratings!
- Now my reputation is online, I don’t need this show or Kyle.
- I can not understand how she would let a show come between us.
- I’m disappointed that she did not defend me with the others!
- I’m frustrated that for years Kyle has been questioning my loyalty and my values
- Who does she think she is?
- There are plenty of stories about her that I could have planted but I didn’t and I won’t!
- I am done selling my soul for these ladies they don’t deserve me!!!
- I wish I had not yelled at her, as crazy as she sounded now I look equally as crazy even if my feelings were justified.
Now let’s comb through and look for the facts, what would be true no matter what happened?
The facts are:
- All parties raised their voices
- It happened at Lisa’s house
What are the assumptions you made based on your perspective?
The judgements are :
- She should not have come to my house with that madness
- Ken will look like the bad guy for defending me
- A friend should approach a friend differently with more love
- Kyle did it to create drama for the show
- People will believe that I did it because its been the shows storyline
- Kyle should have defended me with our friends
- No one cares that my brother just died
- Grief does not make for a good story line
My perception of the situation has led me to feel:
My feelings are:
- Disappointed about the situation
- Frustrated that they do not believe me
- Anxious about how this drama will unfold on TV
- Anxious about if I should continue the show
- Angry that she did not defend me with the others
- Resentful that I always have to defend our friendship
- Irritated that it feels like those ladies are always trying to pick me apart
- Sad that if feels like I just keep losing people
- Overwhelmed with all the emotionally draining situations
Moving forward my options to handle this situation or bring closure to this situation and the outcomes are
- Talk to Kyle once I am calm→ we could meet at a public place and apologize for today’s yelling. I could tell her I am hurt she may still not hear what I am saying. She may still not believe me or she may believe me, but it seems like we will end up in the same situation with her questioning my friendship in the future.
- I can keep filming with the girls→ I would still be on tv and part of the storyline, but they would probably take jabs at me all the time. Other years I could handle the jabs but this year it may be too much. After filming with them hey may remember me as their friend and decide to believe me but it would hurt to know that none of them gave me the benefit of the doubt.
- I could stop filming→ Ken would never get the opportunity to defend himself, I could concentrate on healing and on my other tv shows. I could spend my time with friends that are genuine, and be finished with making drama for reality tv show. I can end the friendships with no closure except with the understanding that we may never be friends and we may never reconcile.
Now let’s try to rework your crappy first drafts. Maybe it might be helpful to underline your feelings, circle your judgements and cross out your assumptions. Our assumptions are rarely helpful. Then decide your next steps, what would happen if took the next steps. Then move forward with confidence about your ability to soberly look at your options.
For those that don’t watch Real Housewives Lisa decided to stop filming and ending her relationship with the women and the show. And since her departure the show was not been the same.
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